BS Files #6: You have to hate where you are to make a change

The BS Files are kinda like the X-files – full of myths and urban legends and mysterious things. I feel that it is my duty to tackle them (occasionally). Because, you know, the truth is out there. Here is October’s case.

Case #6. You have to hate where you are to make a change. Bullsh*t!

There are lots of versions of this one, and it’s related to the rock-bottom myth: that you have to hit rock bottom before you can make a positive change.

This myth is based on the belief that we are lazy, complacent creatures who will never strive to do better or more unless we are forced to change because we are so miserable. It’s based on the ideas that we will always try to get away with the minimum possible effort, that we don’t really have our best interests at heart, that we can’t choose what’s good for ourselves or the world unless we are forced into make the right choice.

That’s all a bit bleak House, isn’t it. Not to mention bullshit.

Yes, you can make amazing, life altering changes from rock bottom. I’ve done it. You probably have, too. That’s a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing. Mysterious, even.

We think there is some mysterious thing that has to happen to create the motivation we need to change. We usually think this has to be something bad, and we call it rock bottom.

Truth: Motivation isn’t the key. We think it is, but it isn’t. Choice is the key.

Truth: Choice comes before motivation. Said another way, motivation follows choice. When you make a choice, once you decide something, you create the feeling of motivation inside yourself. Think about it. When you can’t decide (“oh, I don’t know, I don’t know”) how motivated do you feel? Not very; probably just the opposite – unempowered. But once you’ve made a decision, really made the decision, how much motivation do you have? All the motivation you need.

Truth: You can choose to make a change for the better from anywhere. It is always available to you, even if you love where you are, more is always available. (I borrowed that from my friend Wendy Yost.) You can choose to become more fit, even if you are already healthy. You can choose to take a new job, even if you have a wonderful one. You can choose to paint, even if you love to sing (and keep singing). I could really get lost in the possibilities here – but you can choose your own.

Rock bottom, misery, struggle – those are all scarcity and desperation – not motivation. They aren’t necessary to choose something better. It’s magic that we can choose better from that place at all, which just proves that better is available from anywhere.

Case closed.

And remember: in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,

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Schedule a free mini session with me (here) and I can help you find a bite of peace. A mini session is a short coaching session, where we can talk about what’s holding you back and what you can do about it. What do you have to lose? Literally!

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What if hope isn’t all wonderful?

Hope can be a wonderful thing, when we use it correctly. It’s kinda like medicine. When it’s used incorrectly, it can actually be a bad thing. I know that’s an unusual thought, and you probably don’t see how that could possibly be. So stick with me…

It’s wonderful when we use it to:

  • Help us through the dark times
  • Inspire us to a new, brighter future
  • Guide us to our light
  • Start us on a journey
  • Motivate us with a vision
  • Be a gift to others

That’s why we love hope and the idea of hope. If you notice, all of those uses of hope are active.

But we can get addicted to passive hope. Passive hope is a dangerous drug. Hope becomes passive when we just sit around and “hope something good will happen”, when we “hope it will work this time”, when we “hope we will rise to the occasion.” Do you see how that’s passive? We don’t take responsibility for the outcome, we just “hope” for it.

We can absolutely start with hope. And then add commitment, action and belief. Faith, even. Then hope becomes something. Something that resembles movement, growth, challenge and success.

Hope is a great place to start. It’s just not and ending place!

And remember: in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,

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Schedule a free mini session with me (here) and I can help you find a bite of peace. A mini session is a short coaching session, where we can talk about what’s holding you back and what you can do about it. What do you have to lose? Literally!

Keep it simple, s*@*!

Remember how I always say that words matter? Words matter. What you say matters. How you say it matters.

Especially when we are talking to ourselves, because we talk to ourselves a lot! Have you ever stopped to listen and pay attention to what you say to yourself?

If you haven’t made the effort to talk nicely to yourself, the chances are pretty good that you are mean, very critical and judgmental. You would never talk that way to someone else – especially not someone you loved. But we get away with saying horrible shit to ourselves all the time.

Actually, we don’t really get away with it, we just take it.

This week, I’d like you to try something. Pay attention to what kind of things you say to yourself. Your self-talk. Be curious about it. Don’t go judging yourself if you find out that you really have an inner bully. Just observe.

Look at your motivation. I know you aren’t saying these things just to be mean. It’s learned behavior. Once upon a time, your brain learned that it needed to nag you and criticize and maybe even berate you if you were ever going to get better (we were all teenagers once, after all!) But how’s that working for you now? How does it feel? Okay, let’s change it.

Let’s try the KISS method. Keep it Simple Sweetheart.

I bet you’ve heard that last S stand for Stupid or even Shithead. But you don’t talk to yourself like that this week. Maybe never again.

When you catch the negative self-talk, stop. Translate into what you really want to say. Find the simplest, most loving way to say it.

Here’s an example:

“Get your lazy ass up and do the dishes, you slob. You’re such a terrible housekeeper.”

Could translate to:

“It’s time to do the dishes, sweetheart. You love how a clean kitchen feels.”

Don’t forget the term of endearment. That’s gonna feel super awkward, because you aren’t used to talking to yourself that way. Get used to it. It feels great. Oh, by the way, it is waaaaay more effective at getting yourself to do the things you want. You’ll see.

And remember: in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,

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Schedule a free mini session with me (here) and I can help you find a bite of peace. A mini session is a short coaching session, where we can talk about what’s holding you back and what you can do about it. What do you have to lose? Literally!

Are you absolutely positively 100% sure?

When I was in middle school, I had this kinda nerdy, kinda cute, young biology teacher who unintentionally messed me up.  He set me up to be a rather obnoxious young woman who had a difficult time with belief and commitment.

One class, he asked us if we knew what 1+1 was, and of course we did.

“Are you sure?” Yes.

“How sure? 90%? 99%? 100%?” Of course we were all 100% sure.

He asked us multiple times. He made a big deal out of it. He made us stand up and walk to different places in the room if we were 100% sure and yada yada.

“You are wrong.” He then went through some logic problem, I forget the details, where he proved that 1 person + 1 person = 1 pair. Therefore 1 + 1 = 1. We were all dutifully humiliated.

He was a science teacher, and he wanted to teach us to be objective, precise and never to make assumptions and  a bunch of other things that make sense in the world of science and research.

But there were two BIG unintended consequences for me, and this is where he led me astray.

First, I learned that it was a big deal to be wrong. Wrong is embarrassing, so it is really important to be right.  I believed that for a loong time.

The need to always be right is exhausting. Plus it made me a really obnoxious person to be around. It really wasn’t until my early thirties that I learned that it’s okay to be wrong (okay for anyone. That made it much nicer to be me and to be around me.

Second, I learned that truth, fact and precision are imperative. Like Prime Directive stuff. Never believe something unless you can prove that it is true, that it is a fact. Objectively. Boy, did that set me up for Freshman philosophy debates!

Maybe this sounds good on the surface, but it really isn’t. It’s a lot of work to prove things. It’s almost impossible to prove most things, which means living in a lot of doubt and uncertainty.

Combine the two: You have to be right and you have to be able to prove it. There’s not much wiggle room there. So I spent a lot of time “on the fence”, not really wanting to commit to things in case they weren’t really true. Didn’t want to make a choice, in case I got it wrong.

Imagine my surprise (and relief) when I learned this about the brain (thanks, neuroscience!): the brain likes beliefs, because they save time and are efficient. The brain does not require facts before it hardwires a belief. The brain creates beliefs out of thoughts all the time. ALL THE TIME. Those thoughts don’t have to be “right”. They just have to be repetitive. Think them enough times and you will believe they are true.

New combination: I can believe things and be wrong. You can believe things and be wrong. You can believe things ABOUT ME and be wrong. Happens all the time.

OH NO! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

Here’s what I choose to do: think thoughts that serve me, over and over again, so that they become my beliefs. Look for evidence to support them, not to disprove them.

BTW, here’s how I know a thought serves me: it feels, good, powerful, authentic and leads me to be and do my best. Simple.

So sorry, Mr. Hipkiss, I am 100% sure that you were wrong. And I believed you anyway. That’s okay, I’ve adjusted my beliefs now.

And remember: in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,

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P.S. Because it is Rocktober and one of my most favorite witchy months, I want to do a new thing. I’m offering 5 places in a FREE training program “How to make your intention inevitable.”  If you’d like to amp up your goals and intentions to the next level, send me an email today!